State of the Union Tipple: Make mine a double

Brace yourselves, Boozers. The State of the Union is coming tonight and it won’t be pretty. In our neck of the woods, we’re bracing for the road closures and surveillance helicopters that accompany the President’s annual trip up the Hill, and Congressional staffers on both sides of the aisle are restocking the filing cabinets with clandestine bottles of booze. Senatorial flasks are being vigorously polished even as we speak. The game is on.

In times like these, we cannot legislate the Tipple. In an era of free enterprise with every loophole somehow both glorified and vilified in the same breath, who are we to tell you to what to drink? Pick your poison, and, in the tradition of Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live, take a little guzzlet every time the Republicans applaud a tax cut for the wealthy and the Democrats cheer for a government-funded hand-out — it all amounts to virtually the same thing, so you ought to be good and drunk before the President even has time to say “God bless America.”

Our only suggestion: drink local. Support the local businesses that support your local economy. We’ll be stocking up on booze from DC Brau, Chocolate City,  Catoctin Creek, Copper Fox, Port City Brewing Company, and any number of area wineries like Corcoran Vineyards and Fabbioli Cellars — all perfectly calculated to help ease the pain of yet another budgetary battle. Drink up, Boozers — you’ll need it.

A Debt Ceiling Deal? We’ll drink to that.

We were relieved to wake up this morning to the news that a deal on the debt ceiling seems to have been agreed upon while some of us slept — but, with a vote on the way, we may all need a stiff drink to swallow what’s left of our pride.

Our Debt Ceiling Delight melds together the taste buds of the left and the right in a celebration of that elusive American quality: compromise. This drink is even better when served in a kitschy piece of Americana — ours pictures the Vulcan statue, a beloved Birmingham, Alabama symbol of American strength and virility.

Debt Ceiling Delight

3 or 4 fresh mint leaves

3 fresh lemon twists

1 large teaspoon lemon-infused simple syrup (whatever — use a packet of sugar from the House cafeteria — you’re gonna need this drink)

Good ole Kentucky bourbon (perhaps Mitch McConnell had a shot poured over his cereal this morning, to steel himself for the vote)

Chilled tea (we used an iced green tea, because those left-wing hippies love that stuff, but a nice strong Lipton suits the Tea Partiers)

Grand Marnier (you know how the Liberal Elite love anything French)

wedge of lemon and a sprig of fresh mint (borrow some from the Obamas’ kitchen garden — they like to spread the wealth)

Put the mint, lemon twists, and simple syrup or sugar in the bottom of a tall glass. Use a muddler or that plastic spoon from the back of the file cabinet to mush it together. Pour over a generous measure of bourbon, depending on how depressed you are over compromising your ideals. Top with several ice cubes and chilled tea, then float a shot of Grand Marnier over the top. Add lemon wedge and mint leaves. Toast to your success at averting a national crisis and then drink deeply before handing your first-born over to the devil.